100 Happy Days

In light of recent and upcoming events, I have had time to reflect and ponder my life. I've realized that I haven't been very happy. To be more precise, I don't feel like I am very happy on a regular, day-to-day basis. It's been something I've been particularly struggling with this fall. A dear friend of mine is doing a 100 Happy Days challenge and I finally took the time to investigate and read about it. I need to recognize the things in my life that make me happy. I'm hoping that this will really help me realize how happy I can be on a daily basis, stop some of the negative self-talk, and catapult me into a happier everyday state of mind.

I'm posting my #100happydays pics to Instagram. If you''d like to follow me, my username is wymama23.

Read about doing your own 100 Happy Days challenge!
http://100happydays.com/

The C-Word

I haven't been very good about keeping up my blog as of late. I guess with all the other media in my life, I feel like I share enough snippets about every day. But lately I've been feeling like to need to write something more.

During the summer I noticed a bump on my nose that was bleeding a bit. It would heal and I'd think it was OK then it would bleed again, etc, etc. I finally looked it up on the dreaded internet and decided it might be something more that just a sore. I had a biopsy in November and I could tell through my dermatologist's poker face that she was concerned. About a week later she called with the news that it was indeed cancer. She quickly explained the details. It is a basal cell carcinoma, the most common kind of skin cancer and the most treatable. I would need to see a specialist surgeon due to the fact that it is on my nose. I would now need to have skin checks more often and be diligent about hats and sunscreen. She talked a lot, but those are the important points.

OK, so I admit that I am a bit of a hypochondriac and tend to overreact. Paul knows this. I know this. It's a fact. I think I threw him for a loop when he got home from work and I told him I have cancer.  It's not a word you want to hear. If you have to have cancer, though, this is the best kind to have. Maybe not the spot I'd choose, but the cure rate is 98% and it does not spread to other parts of the body or require chemo or radiation. Great news.

Since I'd been wearing a bandage after the biopsy, I decided to be honest and if people asked to tell them the facts. I was shocked to find out that one of my closest friends was diagnosed with the same thing just days before me...and on her nose! We've been able to swap stories, worries, doctor's advice, and send each other comforting and horrifying links. It's been very helpful. I watched the entire procedure I am having with the 3 possible "reconstruction" outcomes. Maybe not every one's choice, but I like to be prepared. According to most people who've had the Mohs Procedure, the worst parts are the shots to numb the area and the first few days after surgery. http://www.skincancer.org/skin-cancer-information/mohs-surgery

I've had some mixed emotions. Scared for the procedure itself and the possible scars. Grateful for the cure rate and the slow type of cancer I have. Apprehensive about other cancers that might be lurking in the wings. Guilt for all the time I spent tanning in the sun and in the tanning beds as a teen and young adult. Mostly, though, I am extremely happy that I have such love and support. The surgeon doing my surgery is competent and successful in his field. I am hopeful and energized to get this cancer off of me and learn more about how to help cure cancer. I am volunteering again for Obliteride this summer and can't wait to do more to raise awareness for funding a cure. http://www.obliteride.org/

My surgery is scheduled for January 6th. It's a day procedure with a lot of unknowns. It can take 3 hours or it can take all day depending on the amount of tissue that has cancer cells and what kind of closure or graft is needed. I'm sure I will write more about that as I am healing. Maybe I can be persuaded to share some photos for the very strong-stomached, but for now I'll leave that to the archives of Google images. Be warned...it's not pretty. :)

The Devil Inside

A few years ago (well, it’s been about 3.5 years now) after several months of excruciating pain and vision loss, lots of ER and doctor’s visits and lots of pain meds, I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Scleritis. Here is a basic definition:

Scleritis is an inflammation of the white part of the eye (sclera). It may cause sight-threatening complications and affects females more commonly than males in the fourth to sixth decades of life. It has a tendency to recur. It is characterized by pain, which can be severe, redness, tearing, and inflammation or surrounding tissues. Scleritis is often associated with a systemic disease (e.g. rheumatoid arthritis, Wegener's granulomatosis). Treatment includes topical and systemic steroids and immunosuppressive drugs for very severe cases.

I have subsequently been tested for underlying systemic diseases, but have not found one. I have been lucky enough to have been referred to the leading Seattle specialist in this field and for the first while was able to get the flares under control pretty well, although I have been on predisone for over 2 years and the highest dose of an immunosuppressant for 1.5 years.

Prednisone is a miracle drug and a devil drug at the same time. It takes away inflammation like a dream, but causes horrible side-effects. The worse side-effects for me are weight gain and puffiness, major emotional disturbance, muscle weakness and joint pain, jitters and insomnia. Those things combined lead to major bouts of depression and anxiety. The biggest problem is that my very low daily dose of 5mg stopped working so I had to go to 10, which evened out after a bit and was somewhat doable. Now the 10 is not working and I am on a course of 20, hopefully only for a few days, then taper back down. The immunosuppressants must have side-effects, too, but it’s hard to know because the pred masks everything.  My blood work every 6 weeks has looked good so far, thank goodness.

I’ve gained back all the weight I lost in the contest. I’m so ashamed and sad about this it is hard to write, but I need to just get it out there. I couldn’t even do the contest now if I wanted to. We are moving into our new house in two weeks and it’s hard to even be happy or excited when I feel this low. I hope to be able to write a fun and positive post about that soon.

My doctor wants to get me off the prednisone so the next step is to try a different class of drug called biologics. It has to be injected, which is freaking me out and is very expensive which hopefully is covered by my insurance. I am not sure of the side-effects yet, although I have read about some good and some bad reactions. I guess I need to get over my fears.

I am not writing this for sympathy. I just really needed to write it all out. And maybe to explain that if I don’t seem like myself it is because I am not the Tracy I was before. I told my sister-in-law a few weeks ago that prednisone has changed my personality. I am not me anymore and it is a scary and hopeless feeling to be out of control like this. I hope my family will stick it out with me because I can’t always play nice at home like I can in public.

Now I just need to learn to inject myself with needles! Yikes.

 

The Brody Book

It's been so long since I've blogged. I'm not sure why. I guess nothing felt really blog-worthy? Now that I think about it there are a lot of things, but life got in the way. Well, I'm here today!

On November 1st my niece Kylee gave birth to my great-nephew Brody. He's perfect! I got to hold him at Thanksgiving and it was amazing to have a little bundle in my arms. (No, mom, not THAT amazing...)

Anyway, I decided I wanted to make Brody a gift for Christmas and was inspired by the felt we used in the sewing class I taught at Wyatt's school. The kids were really into making all sorts of things out of felt. Also around this time I was concerned about some of the kids at preschool not knowing the letters of their name and I decided a name letter book would be perfect. I looked online for some ideas and came up with the rest myself. What emerged is the 100% hand-cut, hand-sewn  Brody Book. I love it. I've been told I should sell them on etsy, but since each page took 2-4 hours, I'm not sure how cost effective it would be. My second niece is now engaged, so I guess I will make these books a labor of love for all my forth-coming great-nieces and great-nephews. That is until my eye-sight gives or my hand is gnarled with arthritis!

 

And my adorable great-nephew reading his book!

Round Two Update

Well, round two of the biggest loser has not gone as planned. And I don't like it when things do not go as planned, but I've had to let something go, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how I look at it) it has been this summer contest. I has an idea that the summer was going to be difficult to focus as intensely and I was right. I started off pretty well, then was plagued by some minor set-backs such as a slightly sprained ankle and a husband gone for three weeks...and then a few major ones. Without going into too much detail I've had some emotional issues spring up, seemingly out of the blue and then some intense extended family events which has led to some strain for my parents and the entire family. It's really hard to stay focused on myself when things are happening that seem out of my control. I've wanted instead to spend a lot of time with my family and go on fun outings or stay at home and hang out rather than go to the gym. Here we are at the botanical garden by the Ballard Locks and Wyatt and Paul on the Fremont Troll.

It's fun to explore your own city. For example, we'd never been to the Olympic Sculpture Park down by the waterfront near the Pacific Science Center. It's amazing and someplace we will come to again and again, I'm sure. 

To top everything off, I got a text from my trainer a few weeks ago that said he'd gotten a promotion and was going to be heading the training team at another gym. I am so happy for him, of course, but also pretty devastated to basically start over with someone new. It took me a few weeks to deal with that and finally show my face at the gym again. I told the training leader I was not going to finish the contest and he seemed genuinely hurt (honestly I wish I could have taken a picture of his facial expression), but I just feel it is the right thing to do at this point. He set me up with a new trainer, Carmen. She is a gorgeous woman of 45, and has just started a modeling career as well as a training career and calls herself a "late-bloomer". What an inspiration! And she honestly looks like this on a regular day with a little less make-up and hair product.

I think she will be a good trainer for me. She only trains women and we talked a lot about some of my emotional things and how those can effect me physically. I suppose the good news is that I hadn't gained much weight...a few pounds from my last weigh-in, so I was happy about that.

I don't want to let my summer choices seem like an excuse. I made the choice to go to the gym only a few times and to eat more sugar and less healthy. But, I'm feeling good about the next few months. I'd like to get back on a routine with my eating plan and exercise and work on losing about 20 pounds before my 41st birthday in October.

Someone Special

Wyatt's first grade teacher graciously made a copy of his end-of-year writing assessment for me a few days ago, just in time to give to his "someone special" on Father's Day. Paul didn't even mention his grammar mistakes or the fact that is next to last sentence begins with, "First of all...", although I'm sure the writing teacher in him was cringing just a bit. The content is definitely the most important part of this essay. I'm grateful to have such a great kid and that he has such an awesome dad.

Validation

An interesting thing happened at the gym today that helped to validate the last 6 months of hard work I've done there. As some of you who read this blog may remember, the woman who won our club's biggest loser was taking pregnancy hormone injections, doing huge amounts of cardio and sweating out her excess fluids in the sauna. She ended up losing 29% of her body weight or something like that. Anyway, today I was alone in the "ball room". It has a bunch of those huge exercise balls and other things as well as a back door to the club. She came up to the glass and asked me to let her in. She showed me her key tag, but I said, "I know who you are," and smiled. She hurriedly told me, "Yes, I won the biggest loser last time, but I've gained it all back and I don't want the people at the front desk to see." I was speechless and she rushed past and went into the locker room.

OK, I will admit, keeping the weight off is tough and I also but back on a few pounds after the results last round, but ALL OF IT? She lost 47 pounds! She needs some muscles:)

I know that changing my body is the result of changing my life, my habits and my thinking. I know that gaining muscle and eating right are the keys to my success, as well as sweating on a daily basis (and NOT just in the sauna). I hope that this woman is able to make some life changes. I guess the good news is that she took the first step to come to the gym rather than just quiting.